Sunday, March 29, 2015

The Struggle IS NOT real!

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For months, I couldn't put my finger on it, kept trying to find the words to express it to friends.  "Do you feel it?  Its like there is a build up of positive energy just behind a very thin panel of weakening resistance, a dam or volcano is about to crack open and fantastic beauty will flood the land! The feeling you get as the click, click, of the roller coaster takes you up, up towards the highest drop, as you look down, anticipating the adrenaline rush about to take your breath.  Marvelous things are going to happen, a shift is about to occur in the world, do you feel it too?"

The responses were mostly perplexed looks of intrigue, interested yet confused.  Everyone sat a little taller, leaned in a little closer. I could almost see their ears trying to tune in to my message.  They may not have felt what I was describing but, I am certain, everyone I shared it with, wanted to ... desperately. 

Can't say exactly when this all kicked in, beginning of this year, end of last?  I want to say it has always been there, just became louder, stronger lately, just as a long jumper picks up speed before the launch or the humming turbines of a plane readying for take off swell.  Most likely though, I think, I became more aware of it, when I started practicing TM last September. Transcendental meditation may well have been the secret ingredient in the formula for the cure I have been working on in my "life lab" for years now.  

I do not want to go into the process of TM too much, its one of those experiences that vary broadly and to describe how or why it works is beyond words.  Suffice it to say, for me, and everyone I know who has dedicated themselves to the practice,  it is a game changer.  No matter if your life has been hard or easy, traumatic or stress free, this is the ticket to freedom from barriers you did not even know existed.  Okay, enough endorsement, after all, TM is not the only ingredient in the formula.  There is yoga, community service work, sunshine, PTSD counseling, acupuncture, alpha stem, NLP, conscious eating and drinking, spiritual work with my coach Alice and friend Mel, vision boards, positive affirmations posted in random places, moving in the direction and choosing the thoughts that serve my soul, and feel right and good while letting all else fall away organically, being okay not knowing the answers..... these are a handful of the magic beans I have come to know help me and there is an even a longer list of possible cures that were proven ineffective. 

But I digress, back to the subject of energy build up.  During my spiritual work last week with Alice working on the "Infinite Possibilities" work book.  The mystery of that feeling I could not describe was solved. What was about to break through, bust out, blow up, and bring it, was ME!  Me!  I am ready!  I am here!  I am not afraid, I am hopping into joy and happiness... I should have known.  All the signs were there.  Sleeping at night, no nightmares, almost no flash backs at all.  The feeling of someone who has been walking around with a slipped disk or some severe physical pain that just received an injection and BOOM, pain free!!  Care free!  I am not suggesting some miracle has happened and I no longer feel the pain and grief of Jake and Kris, or my other struggles.  I am suggesting that it finally sunk in ... those struggles are not happening to me NOW.  They do not exist in this moment.  I am not reliving them hour by hour anymore.  The paper tigers of unexpected fear and angry moments, have, for the most part been replaced with, what I have come to call "bursting bubbles of bliss" examples of which are ...  I find myself just taking pause randomly and without notice, through out my day and suddenly a little, pop,  of "wow, I love the way the light comes in that window, or... how lucky am I to live my life, I love cooking with my kids, what a great moment I am having... Gratitude abounds and I feel back in the game!

This new energy has shown up both inside and out.  I have noticed many changes all around me.  One of the most obvious is a falling away, quickly of the "bringers of the bad", the naysayers, critics and cynics mask have fallen off and I see more now as I am looking with the eyes of my soul.  I can see those who were more comfortable with me in pain than joy, who felt bigger when I was smaller.  Yes, I see you as you become smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror.  I love you all, you have all been my teachers.  But I have graduated a bit I feel.  Perhaps even evolved and I am ready for my next major with a new professors. Which, I am attracting in surprising places, ways and numbers.  So much so that I have decided it would be wise for me to be careful where I point my magic wand!  

This is the first New Year in a few, that I took the time to work on my goals, write them down, and find a way to stay accountable, I have already checked off more than a few.  Excited to say, one of them is more public speaking and teaching yoga to those who need it most and have the least access. 
It all seems a bit too good to be true after the past few years and other challenges throughout my life.

 In a nut shell, the struggle is not real, it never was.  I was hurting and searching for someone or something to take me home to my safe place, I felt scared and alone.  I am still part human, I still feel those things and yes, I still burst into tears occasionally in the shower or run into my closet and slide down the wall sobbing for a few minutes, but it is rare, and I see now, I see and feel, those are feelings not events, I honor those tears just as I do the laughter and "bursting bubbles of bliss" and I understand that I was never away from home, my safe place and happiness were in my power to return to myself,  just as Glenda the good witch said... "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it yourself."

and now an oldie but a goodie, oohhhhh, SNAP!! come on everybody DANCE!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

I don't get mad, I get hurt

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This is new for me.  This whole vulnerability thing.  I think I wanna keep it though.  The rough and tough girl with grit, I used to be so proud to call myself is gone.  I have given up the search for her.  As I see myself living with my heart on the outside of my chest, ready to receive life and love, even though, this makes my soul a clearer target for pain and suffering.  At times I think it best to retreat back into the dry leather suit of protection I used to call my home. I am actually grateful to find, not so long ago that suit has disintegrated into dust.  Leaving me "shelless," with no protection in the world.  What a blessing!
I feel everything now, I express those feelings in a more compassionate way, steering towards love and away from anger.  No more blaming, but noticing my reactions to others and taking responsibility. My comfort zone being stretched, tested and even torn, constantly uncomfortable in this new skin, I am doing my best to allow this growth to occur without putting up my dukes of expectation or running back to my old friends fear and anger.  Maybe this is the type of thing I needed on my bucket list when I was looking for excitement and danger.  This is something much more intimidating than base jumping or white river rafting.  This is real growth, the kind of growth that happens inside a cocoon, I feel as though I am that delicate and dainty, butterfly just beginning my escape readying myself for my first flight into the life I was destined for. Although my environment is still harsh and jagged at times and my friends and family expect the fearless suit of armor to show up, I know I will find that I can transform the roughest of landscapes into a soft place to rest my fragile soul without worry or judgement allowing me to give from this heart that is long over due for rest and reassurance.