As the rain falls and I sage my comfy little home, I visualize all the funk and gunk accumulated around my heart dissolving as my light begins flickering into a beam, humming with vibration from my chest again like the beacon of a lighthouse calling me home to joy and satisfaction.
Admitting that I have not been standing in my truth is not easy. Somehow I have allowed "The reason" to become "The excuse" for bad behavior. I have spent much too much time recently trying to avoid looking in the mirror that was reflecting a pretty ugly self. Thanks to the wonderful patient man in my life, that mirror was gently held up again and again until I surrendered and found myself staring deep into the fear filled eyes of a victim I thought I had slung into a ditch years ago along the path to my healing.
My "truth" my "mantra" my "positive affirmation" has been strong and proud for a couple years now. In the beginning it was "This loss is a blessing" and "I refuse to be a victim" or "I am learning from other peoples past pain how NOT to get better". Then I got bigger and stronger, "I am not my story", "Guilt and what ifs are a waste of precious time", "Please do not pity me, but envy me" Then I hit my high point "I am ready!", "It is my turn", "Grief was the greatest gift I have ever been given", and most recently came, the all powerful "I am the happiest I have ever been" and "I could never have been this happy, or this amazing without this experience."
These things are all true. They were when I said them and they are today. Where they were hiding the last week or two, I am curiously exploring, but without these truths and beliefs held strong, I became as frightened as a coyote trying to chew off a limb to break free of the trap, while hearing the grief hunters foot steps getting closer. How did I get snared? Perhaps my new found "safe place". The happy home we are creating allowed me to take a peek back into the arena and check the score to make sure I had really won that battle, knowing, if I find out I am losing, at least I have a safe place to lay my head or pound my fist and cry. Did I want to test him? Push him away? It was foolish and selfish to unleash this monster on someone so precious and expect him to instantly understand without any point of reference and make it all better. Maybe the confidence I had been bragging about in my "Its my turn and I am ready"mantra was over confidence, a little too cocky? Or, there is always the old stand by, "its that time of year," the anniversary of Jakes "Angel birthday" is about to be upon me. The weather, the sweat shirts, the holiday decorations coming out, all give me permission to flash back, fall back and release the tears without any judgement or retribution.
Unfortunately, I have to acknowledge that the real reason, the only one that seems to resonate as truth with my soul, is that I missed it.... Not so much the pity, but the accolades. The "she is so amazing, how does she do it?" I did not realize how contradictory my words and actions were for a minute there, until, the few people who really know me and are not afraid to be honest with me, compassionately brought it to my attention. Thank you for seeing me, Mel, Christina and Darwin.
When I felt like my lover, my friends or even my family had forgotten, I tore open the wounds and let blood flow all over that beautiful white plush velvet covered pedestal I painstakingly built for myself and so meticulously cleaned, and picked and fluffed until it was flawless ready to be admired as I perched by myself atop for all to adore.
This blood came in the form an entitlement. I gave my disclaimer out just as I do the "hold harmless" disclosure in a real estate deal. The disclosure went something like this "This time of year, I am more sensitive, I can be a bit unpredictable, please show me a little extra grace and kindness, give me time and space, I will be okay again soon." What it should have said is, "I have decided to use my past as an excuse to treat people like shit with no consequence, so brace yourself to take a beating you do not deserve,"
So now what? What is the next big thing after I have already claimed I am the happiest I have ever been and being with Jacob while he died was the greatest gift I have ever received?... I have only one option left. Its to be done with it all. To put it to rest as I did Jake, with respect and honor. Not to be forgotten but not to be taken out on parade either. To accept that it will always be there, it is mine, unique to me and how I experienced it, just as was my relationship with Jacob. I judge no one nor will I ever expect anyone to truly understand. I, nor anyone else is meant carry this load. I take a breath now and say with conviction. This pain is not a tool or a weapon to defend my ego, I will not take it from its holster and use it against anyone including myself. I am not broken and I will not take the easy way out ever again. We are here to thrive and enjoy, to play and most importantly to LOVE. I am good at all of those things, and they are the direction I am pointing my feet as I take the next step on my path!
My hope when writing this is always to relieve my soul, it is cathartic for certain but I also, always hope it helps others. It doesn't have to be the death of a child. But the death a dream is grief too, It could be a job, a relationship, a project, These are all good "reasons" to feel pain and even act out, but after time and a little work, once you know better, those "reasons" become "excuses".