Monday, October 5, 2015

When the "reason" turns into the "excuse"

As the rain falls and I sage my comfy little home, I visualize all the funk and gunk accumulated around my heart dissolving as my light begins flickering into a beam, humming with vibration from my chest again like the beacon of a lighthouse calling me home to joy and satisfaction.

Admitting that I have not been standing in my truth is not easy.  Somehow I have allowed "The reason" to become "The excuse" for bad behavior. I have spent much too much time recently trying to avoid looking in the mirror that was reflecting a pretty ugly self.  Thanks to the wonderful patient man in my life, that mirror was gently held up again and again until I surrendered and found myself staring deep into the fear filled eyes of a victim I thought I had slung into a ditch years ago along the path to my healing.

My "truth" my "mantra" my "positive affirmation" has been strong and proud for a couple years now. In the beginning it was "This loss is a blessing"  and "I refuse to be a victim" or "I am learning from other peoples past pain how NOT to get better".  Then I got bigger and stronger, "I am not my story",  "Guilt and what ifs are a waste of precious time", "Please do not pity me, but envy me" Then I hit my high point "I am ready!", "It is my turn", "Grief was the greatest gift I have ever been given", and most recently came, the all powerful "I am the happiest I have ever been" and "I could never have been this happy, or this amazing without this experience."

These things are all true.  They were when I said them and they are today. Where they were hiding the last week or two, I am curiously exploring, but without these truths and beliefs held strong, I became as frightened as a  coyote trying to chew off a limb to break free of the trap, while hearing the grief hunters foot steps getting closer.  How did I get snared?  Perhaps my new found "safe place".  The happy home we are creating allowed me to take a peek back into the arena and check the score to make sure I had really won that battle, knowing, if I find out I am losing, at least I have a safe place to lay my head or pound my fist and cry. Did I want to test him?  Push him away?  It was foolish and selfish to unleash this monster on someone so precious and expect him to instantly understand without any point of reference and make it all better.  Maybe the confidence I had been bragging about in my "Its my turn and I am ready"mantra  was over confidence, a little too cocky?  Or, there is always the old stand by, "its that time of year," the anniversary of Jakes "Angel birthday" is about to be upon me.  The weather, the sweat shirts, the holiday decorations coming out, all give me permission to flash back, fall back and release the tears without any judgement or retribution.  

Unfortunately, I have to acknowledge that the real reason, the only one that seems to resonate as truth with my soul, is that I missed it.... Not so much the pity, but the accolades.  The "she is so amazing, how does she do it?"  I did not realize how contradictory my words and actions were for a minute there, until, the few people who really know me and are not afraid to be honest with me, compassionately brought it to my attention.  Thank you for seeing me, Mel, Christina and Darwin.  

When I felt like my lover, my friends or even my family had forgotten, I tore open the wounds and let blood flow all over that beautiful white plush velvet covered pedestal I painstakingly built for myself and so meticulously cleaned, and picked and fluffed until it was flawless ready to be admired as I perched by myself atop for all to adore.

This blood came in the form an entitlement.  I gave my disclaimer out just as I do the "hold harmless" disclosure in a real estate deal.  The disclosure went something like this "This time of year, I am more sensitive, I can be a bit unpredictable, please show me a little extra grace and kindness, give me time and space, I will be okay again soon." What it should have said is, "I have decided to use my past as an excuse to treat people like shit with no consequence, so brace yourself to take a beating you do not deserve,"

So now what?  What is the next big thing after I have already claimed I am the happiest I have ever been and being with Jacob while he died was the greatest gift I have ever received?... I have only one option left.  Its to be done with it all. To put it to rest as I did Jake, with respect and honor.  Not to be forgotten but not to be taken out on parade either. To accept that it will always be there, it is mine, unique to me and how I experienced it, just as was my relationship with Jacob.  I judge no one nor will I ever expect anyone to truly understand.  I, nor anyone else is meant carry this load.  I take a breath now and say with conviction.  This pain is not a tool or a weapon to defend my ego, I will not take it from its holster and use it against anyone including myself.  I am not broken and I will not take the easy way out ever again.  We are here to thrive and enjoy, to play and most importantly to LOVE.  I am good at all of those things, and they are the direction I am pointing my feet as I take the next step on my path!

My hope when writing this is always to relieve my soul, it is cathartic for certain but I also, always hope it helps others.  It doesn't have to be the death of a child.  But the death a dream is grief too, It could be a job, a relationship, a project, These are all good "reasons" to feel pain and even act out, but after time and a little work, once you know better, those "reasons" become "excuses". 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

The Struggle IS NOT real!

For months, I couldn't put my finger on it, kept trying to find the words to express it to friends.  "Do you feel it?  Its like there is a build up of positive energy just behind a very thin panel of weakening resistance, a dam or volcano is about to crack open and fantastic beauty will flood the land! The feeling you get as the click, click, of the roller coaster takes you up, up towards the highest drop, as you look down, anticipating the adrenaline rush about to take your breath.  Marvelous things are going to happen, a shift is about to occur in the world, do you feel it too?"

The responses were mostly perplexed looks of intrigue, interested yet confused.  Everyone sat a little taller, leaned in a little closer. I could almost see their ears trying to tune in to my message.  They may not have felt what I was describing but, I am certain, everyone I shared it with, wanted to ... desperately. 

Can't say exactly when this all kicked in, beginning of this year, end of last?  I want to say it has always been there, just became louder, stronger lately, just as a long jumper picks up speed before the launch or the humming turbines of a plane readying for take off swell.  Most likely though, I think, I became more aware of it, when I started practicing TM last September. Transcendental meditation may well have been the secret ingredient in the formula for the cure I have been working on in my "life lab" for years now.  

I do not want to go into the process of TM too much, its one of those experiences that vary broadly and to describe how or why it works is beyond words.  Suffice it to say, for me, and everyone I know who has dedicated themselves to the practice,  it is a game changer.  No matter if your life has been hard or easy, traumatic or stress free, this is the ticket to freedom from barriers you did not even know existed.  Okay, enough endorsement, after all, TM is not the only ingredient in the formula.  There is yoga, community service work, sunshine, PTSD counseling, acupuncture, alpha stem, NLP, conscious eating and drinking, spiritual work with my coach Alice and friend Mel, vision boards, positive affirmations posted in random places, moving in the direction and choosing the thoughts that serve my soul, and feel right and good while letting all else fall away organically, being okay not knowing the answers..... these are a handful of the magic beans I have come to know help me and there is an even a longer list of possible cures that were proven ineffective. 

But I digress, back to the subject of energy build up.  During my spiritual work last week with Alice working on the "Infinite Possibilities" work book.  The mystery of that feeling I could not describe was solved. What was about to break through, bust out, blow up, and bring it, was ME!  Me!  I am ready!  I am here!  I am not afraid, I am hopping into joy and happiness... I should have known.  All the signs were there.  Sleeping at night, no nightmares, almost no flash backs at all.  The feeling of someone who has been walking around with a slipped disk or some severe physical pain that just received an injection and BOOM, pain free!!  Care free!  I am not suggesting some miracle has happened and I no longer feel the pain and grief of Jake and Kris, or my other struggles.  I am suggesting that it finally sunk in ... those struggles are not happening to me NOW.  They do not exist in this moment.  I am not reliving them hour by hour anymore.  The paper tigers of unexpected fear and angry moments, have, for the most part been replaced with, what I have come to call "bursting bubbles of bliss" examples of which are ...  I find myself just taking pause randomly and without notice, through out my day and suddenly a little, pop,  of "wow, I love the way the light comes in that window, or... how lucky am I to live my life, I love cooking with my kids, what a great moment I am having... Gratitude abounds and I feel back in the game!

This new energy has shown up both inside and out.  I have noticed many changes all around me.  One of the most obvious is a falling away, quickly of the "bringers of the bad", the naysayers, critics and cynics mask have fallen off and I see more now as I am looking with the eyes of my soul.  I can see those who were more comfortable with me in pain than joy, who felt bigger when I was smaller.  Yes, I see you as you become smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror.  I love you all, you have all been my teachers.  But I have graduated a bit I feel.  Perhaps even evolved and I am ready for my next major with a new professors. Which, I am attracting in surprising places, ways and numbers.  So much so that I have decided it would be wise for me to be careful where I point my magic wand!  

This is the first New Year in a few, that I took the time to work on my goals, write them down, and find a way to stay accountable, I have already checked off more than a few.  Excited to say, one of them is more public speaking and teaching yoga to those who need it most and have the least access. 
It all seems a bit too good to be true after the past few years and other challenges throughout my life.

 In a nut shell, the struggle is not real, it never was.  I was hurting and searching for someone or something to take me home to my safe place, I felt scared and alone.  I am still part human, I still feel those things and yes, I still burst into tears occasionally in the shower or run into my closet and slide down the wall sobbing for a few minutes, but it is rare, and I see now, I see and feel, those are feelings not events, I honor those tears just as I do the laughter and "bursting bubbles of bliss" and I understand that I was never away from home, my safe place and happiness were in my power to return to myself,  just as Glenda the good witch said... "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it yourself."

and now an oldie but a goodie, oohhhhh, SNAP!! come on everybody DANCE!!