Why is that my image of surrender? Putting my guard down has never served me well. Through my first marriage it was just an invitation to get jabbed. After that it was my oldest sons retaliation for his childhood that kept me sticking and moving. And now? Will I ever feel safe enough to open my heart? When we do postures in yoga that require me to put my shoulders back why does it feel as if the bones have been fused forward? I look around the room and in the mirror and think "why wont my shoulders go back like that?" The instructor has come over and tried to adjust my posture and is struck by the unwillingness of my body to allow this type of openess. What am I protecting myself from? Who is out to get me?I also have a difficult time allowing others to put thier gaurd down, "be careful", "you better watch that guy", "what are they up to?" Then I put my dukes up for them. I hover over my husband and children like a gaurdian angel wearing boxing gloves.
Why can I not just allow things to happen? The truth is I am not sure what surrender really means. Is it letting others have thier way? Not keeping the peace, and allowing conflict in my home? Is it sitting still and waiting? Oh wait, something just came to me! Surrender is just, doing the best you can from where you are with what you have. Not worrying about what is next or what might happen. Not getting lost in the possible story.
So then today when my husband told me that he had told Leanna she could come back home after she miscarried her baby just 2 days ago, which was the sadest most wonderful blessing we could have wished for, without discussing it with me first. Why did I immediatly raise my fist? Who was I defending? I felt I was looking out for everyone including her. But James took it as me pushing her out. I can see why he feels that way. I believe he operates out of a great deal of guilt when it comes to Leanna. Why else would he allow her to continue to disrespect him, our home, her mother, her brothers and sister? I dont blame him I did the same thing with Steven. I wanted to believe his lies. I remember James telling me the hardest part about dealing with Steven was watching him fool me again and again. Getting my hopes up and then smashing them to the ground. This is what I see Leanna doing to James now. She is aware of my defense tactics and I am nothing but an annoyance to her, in her way. Blocking the road to totally dominating James mind, body and soul.
During this heated argument I kept being told by my inner self "surrender". So does that mean getting out of Leannas way, letting her run her game on James and watching him hurt? Does it mean saying, "sure, come on home, I believe you just want to make ammends here." And then stop myself from running interference all day while she and the boys attack each other and Debra stands by watching? What about when she breaks all the promises that she made to James in order to get back here ASAP? Do I cover for her like I used to, to spare him? What about the fact that I have all her student aid in place where she is, that she has an appt. with a counselor today to pick her classes? So now she comes back here and we start the whole thing over? I know she is not being honest about why she is coming here, I was just as dumb as her at that age, I understand what is driving her, but it is destructive to everything I love including Leanna. And, like every mother, I want better for my children than I had. I can see the possible outcome being much worse than if she stayed put for at least a while longer. I want to suggest to James that we make a deal with her, just complete one semester there, and then come home. Or, wait until "the boy" goes away to boot camp in a month. Or get all set up via the internet and phone for the college here and then come just before school starts. If she really just "wants to make things right" she should be okay with any of these options. This way, she will have sometime to heal her mind, and her body, letting her hormones balance back out, before she comes back to be just blocks from the boy who moved on the day after she miscarried and is now dating someone else.
Then there is the resentment I will feel when James takes off work to give her a ride, when he hasnt been able to have lunch with me for years? Am I jealous? Yes, I think so. Its a natural reaction when someone tries to, and is allowed to, come between you and the person you have vowed to be with for life. Surrender in this case looks to me like leaving, letting her have him all to herself. They are both guilty of keeping me to the side, only letting me in when they need something. I have no authority or control. I am an outsider in my own home. I am sure this is the way James felt when Steven was here, and I am not claiming I handled him any better. I would like to think, however, that it was not a waste of time and that James and I both learned something from what we went through.
So this is the story I am lost in at the moment. I hear the words "you do not have to figure it out, just surrender" but still I hang onto the ropes in my corner.
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