live now

The power of "I am"

2010-02-17T14:18:00.000-08:00

I see myself getting lost in a sad story, repeating it as if it were my mantra. I see that sad story adding new chapters, growing like a tumor encompassing all areas of my life. It starts with "I am broke" and creeps into "I am scared" which then infest any area of weakness. So I proclaim that this sad story is about to have a happy ending. I will from this moment forward focus on the positive and ignore the negative. I will start a new story with every chapter full of rainbows and lollipops. Wanna here it?... Here it go....

Once upon a time I was studying for my 200 hour yoga teacher training test, I am like a sponge, all the information is just soaking in with hardly any effort, it just made sense! As I was studying for this test I was lucky enough to find a nice affordable room owned by a very nice lady, in which to teach the primary series of ashtanga yoga. Everyone who came to my class left calmer, happier and full of gratitude for the gift I had given them. It only took me a few short weeks before I had all the postures, transitions, modifications and adjustments down to a science. It just flowed! Then with the anatomy and philosophy locked in my brain I set off to take the test. As I started reading over the questions, my first thought was, "wow, really? This is what I was so worried about? I got this?" I finish the test in record time, gave some love to the girls in the studio and set off to create my own style of yoga.... "Joy Yoga" I carefully selected postures, breathing techniques, music and incense. I am so excited to share this new style of yoga with my students, I said. I know it will unlock their mind and spirit as well as mine, allowing all of us to connect with each other and the universe. I see these happy people hug me as they leave my class with an expression of bliss and peacefulness promising to tell all their friends they have to come to "Joy Yoga".... and they do! My classes are too full for this small room now, and I start looking for a bigger place...... to be cont.

The sky is falling

2010-02-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

I feel as though the sky is falling and realize that most people have been feeling like this for a while now. I know that I am lucky to be one of the last to feel the burn of this economy. Aware of all that is joy in my life. My healthy body and mind, my happy children, my strong marriage, yet still haunted by a underlying fear. Fear of what? Loss. Loss of a business my husband has put his heart and soul into, not to mention all our savings, retirement and kids college money. Loss of our home, three mortgage payments behind now even after a modification was done in September. Understanding that these are all material things, things I should not be attached to is easy for me. I keep telling myself "It is always darkest before the dawn", that "Everything happens for a reason" and that this will all lead us to a better place. The place we really want to be... The beach, a simpler life. The answer is never to be worried or scared, it is always to "do the best you can, from where you are, with what you have". But am I doing all I can? Am I working hard enough? Should I just go get a job at Starbucks or something? Would that help make my 2300.00 house payment? How much would I really bring home after shoving Debra into daycare to do her homework with strangers? I want to teach yoga. I need my certificate and am putting off studying because I feel like I need to make money now. So I find a place to rent cheap, and try to get my license and insurance in place only to have my sons car break down and have to spend the money on that instead. Why? Am I putting that cart before the horse? Should I just concentrate on getting my cert. so that I can teach anywhere I can pick up a class? Even if I could borrow the 1500.00 dollars it would take to start teaching right away, should I? Am I swimming against the current? Honestly I don't know if I should feel panic or excitement. Something is about to break and we will be on a new path. Either I will get my cert and find myself loving what I do and making money at it, or, my husband will be forced to put a resume on monster.com and we will end up in a new city... maybe by the beach, or... or....? One thing is for sure, the universe is a friendly place and it is always working on my best interest. It know better than I the path for my happiness. I am an eternal optimist and so I will change the title of the blog from The sky is falling to The clouds are parting and I will spend the rest of my day, using the words, "I get to" instead of "I have to" so now I sign off because I get to go study for my yoga cert. Love to all.

I got the Joy, joy, joy!

2010-01-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

There is joy all around us. In little bits and pieces like confetti shot out of a cannon. We just have to open our eyes to notice the tiny scraps. All the colors of the rainbow, some sparkle, some are translucent but all are charming in one way or another. I spent my day at the DMV yesterday which, of course, no one would describe as a joyful experience, but when you couple it with watching a 17 year old boy get more excited with each moment passing as he gets his drivers license and then his first car registered, you could just burst at the seems. I came home to a messy house and a little girl who was watching the minutes tick slowly by waiting for it to be time for her best friend to sleep over. I picked up that friend and we spent some time at the 99 cent store buying junk, Joy? Yes it was there, it came in giggles and hops from blue tile to blue tile. Didn't end up checking the mail until 8 or 9 o'clock, joy came in the form of a financial aid check for another son. Do you think there was joy in spending that? Well yes, even though it was on fines he had accumulated for parking tickets, I could see his shoulders drop as we mapped out his attack on the courts. Joy can come in the form of relief for both a mother and her son. Another shiny piece of confetti was in the garage this morning... my car was back in her rightful place, she was out in the cold while my husband worked on our newest drivers car. Now that it is safely on the road, I get my spot back. It was a bitter sweet feeling standing in the driveway with my husband last night, as he took to the road alone for the first time, we watched as his tail lights became smaller down the road like tiny pieces of confetti riding a breeze. This morning, I sit at my laptop surveying the clutter and chores neglected by a busy Mom, and I choose to see, twinkling pieces of confetti left behind by joyful life living people. Sure does make doing the dishes less painful!

2010-01-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

January 12th "December"

AH Sweet victory! Finished one of the home study projects I had been dreading. Felt good, felt real good. Got a drop in from my sis and her grandkids. Smiles and fun, real fun. Visited with Mom, did some yoga on the living room floor with the kids trying to get in on the act and old Mom watching curiously. Cute, real cute. Husband and son helped me make a speedy dinner, and yummy real yummy. Got a surprise pie delivery from a very sweet friend. Nothin like some pie lovin! Sweet, real sweet. So December looks like good, fun, cute, yummy and sweet. LOVE IT!

2010-01-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

January 11th "November"

Spent most of my day being of service. Helping out a friend recovering from surgery. I taught some good yoga, implemented some new teachings and then picked up a whiney Debra from school. Taught her how to not get lost in the the story. Visited with my nieces and brother. Cooked a healthy dinner, watched a little TV with the kids and played with them. Did a little more homework. Pretty boring, but I did notice I was able to pull myself back inside when I started to chase fear about not having enough time to get all the home study done. So thats kind of exciting. I use to spend so much time worrying about what I could not do, it was counterproductive to what I could do. Looks like November will be busy, but I will have to tools to pace myself and not stress out.

2010-01-10T22:37:00.000-08:00

January 10th "October"

Beautiful weather! Clean shiny happy house. Visited with an old friend. Had a great practice, good food and really made some headway on this homework. Starting to look like my goal of finishing my training this month is totally possible. One thing out of the blue, my cousin, who is a couple years younger than me died of a heart attack today. Seems her heart was enlarged from using steroids for asthma her whole life. Hope October does not bring more of that.

2010-01-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

January 9th "September"

Fun and easy. With the support of my husband, got a bunch of stuff crossed off my to do list. Did a little shopping, got a sunburn at the tanning booth. Pulled off a little surprise, reuniting Debra with an old class mate. Got to get dressed up, and go out for a great meal with my favorite couple. Broke even at the casino. Had some "play time" with my man. Chatted with Kennith about "doing the best you can from where you are with what you have.... Everyday." Watched him kick it into gear and get some long over due things done for himself. Yep, Looks like September will be Fun and Easy.

2010-01-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

January 8th "August"

Hmmmm, School on time for Debra, taught a private to my favorite client, made some sandwiches and ate lunch with the teenagers after school. Got some house work done. Right now I have a huge pizza in the oven for dinner. All thats left is some online bill paying, online grocery shopping and homework.... August looks pretty routine and right about now, I am loving a routine:)

2010-01-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

January 7th "July"

Well, Not bad, not bad at all. Super nice weather, a successful trip to the hair salon (I am blonde!) Big complements on that, even from strangers. Went to court... also a success, they reduced everything for Kennith and released him. Did a little shopping with my sister, made a fabulous dinner.... and the icing on the cake was being able to feed Jake and say goodnight to him in person:) July looks like its all about success!

2010-01-06T22:46:00.000-08:00

January 6th "June"

Much better day, Debra to school on time, ashtanga before breakfast, taught a private and was able to be present and absorb the anatomy class. Financially struggling but it is clear that there is always a way and I helped James to see that as well when he came home with his shoulders around his ears, I gave him a massage and talked him down, felt good to see it all melt away, I love being a healer! Spoke with Kennith on the phone cant wait to have him home tomorrow night. I have a feeling he had a gentle wake up call and I am grateful to the universe for that. Finished a book for school and am making some headway on the homework. All and all June looks pretty bright.

2010-01-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

January 4th "April"

Accomplished some homework, good talk with Kennith, sit down dinner with whole family, Debra giddy about chatting on the phone with her new best friend, expressed some creativity and was of service, felt good. Hmmmm, I have no idea what any of this means for April.

January 5th "May"

In like a LION! Phone rang at 1am, Kennith got picked up for parking ticket warrant and went to jail... YUCK. Not good rest, took Debra late for school. Was planning on using a pedicure gift certificate and then taking advantage of the quiet house to do homework. Had to do some work for the family business, take a bunch of calls from Kennith and bail bonds. Struggled with whether to bail him out or not and finally settled on no, after much torment. Now I am just waiting for him to call at 7pm so I can tell him he has to wait till Thursday morning to see a judge. .... the phone is ringing now.... Well he is mad and sad. But I think I am doing the right thing by him. 6:30 and I am just getting to my homework. Well I will after I eat the delicious dinner of greek lemon chicken and potatoes, hummus and fresh tomatoes with warm Pita bread. I think I did a good job at keeping my perspective today; "I am not in jail, I didnt break any laws, this is not my problem to solve. I have much to be grateful for including my son being in jail. Everything happens for a higher purpose, this may save him from a worser fate" Peace is always present and I only ignored it for a few minutes here and there today.

2010-01-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

January 3rd "March"

March should be full of pleasant surprises. Started off this morning with a drop in visit from my sis and her new boe. Then my husband and I decided to join them for a little open air swap meet fun. Had the perfect beer with salted rim. Bought some useful junk. Then came home and my wonderful husband helped me clean the house up. Roasted up some root vegies and was happy to see my family enjoy them so much. Now as the day winds down, I am considering a warm bath and catching up on some reading. I think I will like March.

The 12 days of New Years

2010-01-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

I started last year practicing something I had read about. The first 12 days of the year represent the 12 months of the new year. So the 1st of January is the month of January and the 2nd is February and so on. This will be my blog for 12 days.

January 1st "January"
So far, since it almost noon, I can say that the first half of January will calm, quiet. I did not wake until 10:20 and spent some time reflecting on last year. My breakdowns and break throughs.

My most recent break through and how it brought me to my resolution for the new year "I will truly be of service, not only to others but to myself" Not "pleasing" but truly "being of service". ... This goes back to my post from November about being of service. I was questioning whether or not there is such a thing as a selfless act. Now I know where I was going wrong. I wasn't being selfless. I was trying to please people, giving them what they wanted instead of what they need. My breakthrough came during yoga training and I cried when I realized I was not only shorting others but myself by pleasing and not giving selflessly. 2010 will be different because of this realization.

So the 2nd half of January will be very productive. I spent the 2nd half of my day taking down the Christmas tree, cleaning, purging clutter, paying bills and really being present with my family. It was great!

January 2nd "February"

Kicked it into gear a little earlier. Got much accomplished without any interference. Nourished my family with healthy food and my mind with positive thoughts. Got a shot of energy from a friend. Found time to rest and still made things happen. Took care of some banking and communications. Feeling really good about my support system and my goals seem achievable, my plan is in place. I even have the time, energy and resources for a little recreational time with the family! Love 2010 so far!

Being of service

2009-11-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

Since I last wrote, I have been through many trials. The biggest battle I seem to be facing over and over is: How to live a life a selflessness? Is there even such a thing as a "selfless act"? I have begun to volunteer to be of service to others much more often. But nothing has made me feel "selfless". Actually quite the opposite is true.

For example, my sister and I took my ailing mother on a trip back east to visit her siblings for the first time in many years. I was warned over and over about how tough this was going to be for me, helping take care of Mom round the clock for 6 days. Sleepless nights, medication schedules, wheel chairs and hygiene, ect. All I have to say is, that was probably the most worth while trip I have ever taken. The moments spent making my mom laugh and cry, jumping on the hotel bed and bouncing her around, talking shit about family, jumping out to scare my sister or flashing my boobs to get her to smile for a pic, I will cherish till the end.

I also volunteered to a stranger, thinking, that would definetely be a selfless action. But nope. You see, I noticed a classmate of Debras always having to run to rush to meet her mom after school. I asked her why and she told me her mom had to come all the way from work, which is Planet Hollywood on the Strip to get her from school and then drop her at the YMCA not 2 miles away. Then rush back to work. All because they dont have any family here in town. So I gave little Tyler my phone number and now her mom doesnt have to leave work and travel probably an hour or more. The thing is, now Ty and Deb have become close friends and the ride to the Y everyday is something Deb looks forward too, which makes me happy. Then there is the gratitude that just oozes from the mom everytime I speak to her. It feels good to be appreciated. Thats the reward.

Then there was the struggle I saw my yogi going through. Nuturing so many and running out of time to nuture herself. So I offer to be of service in anyway I can. I show up everyday after I drop off Debra and leave in time to pick her and Ty up from school. I answer phones, teach private beginning yoga, and get to spend the better part of my day in the company of like minded people with great energy and I enjoy it tremendously. Plus I can study and am learning by osmosis all at the same time. Does that sound like I am not being compensated?

All these things and so many much smaller gestures have enriched my life and I look forward to the next opportunity to be of service to a friend or stranger. I have opened my heart to include all life and it feels wonderful.

The practice of yoga, my daily ayrvedic routine, and the teachings of my yogi have helped to get me this far and I am enjoying my life more than ever.

The unfolding

2009-07-31T15:39:00.002-07:00

In the last few weeks I have become aware of the changes within me and how they are effecting my view of the world. Finally stopped trying to rule the day, instead, allowing it to rule me. Adjusting my sails according to the wind, no longer resentful that it is not blowing in the direction I prefer. I see my life unfolding like a map, and there I am watching from a distance as I follow the highlighted route, not knowing the destination just enjoying the trip. Without realizing it, my mantra has become, "I know, like I know I will take my next breath, everything is going to be okay." Since I have made this adjustment, many wonderful events have transpired.

I met a remarkable lady, who I am certain will be a life long friend. Before my shift, the chances of me meeting such a person would have been very slim. She is a compassionate and wise soul with a gift for seeing the person inside the person, and I would not have been worthy of her companionship just a few short weeks ago. You see she was a potential customer for our subcontracting business and I would have found it an inconvenience and refused to rearrange my day to meet with her. My needs, or wants would have been more important. But at the last minute I decided or realized, it was what I was supposed to be doing, and went with the flow. Although I have only known Andi for a few days, I feel as though we are sisters or teammates on a crusade to concur our own fears, live lives in the moment and give each other a boost along the way.

My unfolding has addressed other areas of my life as well. I received a FedEx package yesterday, from my mortgage company with a pretty nice offer to restructure our loan. Dropping our payment and interest rate significantly. One more worry off my list. Told ya "Everything would be okay." Then there was the connection with my yogi, she saw a change in me saying "you seem much more grounded" and we chatted about my possibly becoming her assistant. This inspired me to stop procrastinating and get an overdue project for my training done. Something I was struggling with because it involved me starting my teaching internship. I kept thinking, "I don't have enough knowledge, I cant teach what I don't know"... well duh Joyous! Teach what you do know. The pages are now floating out of me as I have decided to create the class I would like to attend. Hearing from many people lately, and understanding that yoga can be very intimidating to people in their 40's and 50's who might be self conscious of their range of motion or inability to touch their toes. This project then lead me, during my meditation, to the idea that I will adjust my sails again, buying a home in Boulder City, so I can work or intern with my Yogi more easily, then opening my own studio and having that be our stepping stone to Maui instead of the high rise loft I have posted on my vision board. My husband has noticed the transformation in little ways that make our lives more peaceful. For example, we were supposed to go to a birthday dinner one night last week, we would have to leave the house by 6:00 to make it there on time. James was still not home at 5:50. In the not so distant past I would have called him and scolded him. But instead, I said to myself, "everything will be okay, he knows what time we have to be there, my yelling is not going to get him here any sooner." He was home by 6:00 we left at 6:10 and made it to the dinner, no stress. He even thanked me for not calling him, as he said he was expecting and dreading the call. This one little adjustment in my thinking made the whole night, perhaps even the entire weekend more enjoyable. I believe in the "Power of Now" and am making a concerted effort not to shift back. Having faith that once you learn, you cannot "Unlearn" something so important. If you set your intention like a radio station in your head, to the frequency of love and joy, that is what you will see in the world. It is there. I promise. Another example of this idea is that, the wind has always been my least favorite element of the weather. I would actually get angry when it blew my hair into my face. "I hate the wind!" I have said that as long as I can remember. But now, I find my self enjoying the way it plays with my hair and cloths, the coolness it brings to my skin and the scent it carries on its back. This could also be considered an analogy of my shift or awakening, it is not the conditions outside, my world has not changed, only my feelings for it have. There is an old saying "Before I experienced Zen, I chopped wood and carried water. After I experienced Zen, I chopped wood and carried water." I feel so different inside. As though, this time it is not something I must learn or talk myself into. Not down shifting and putting a drag on my engine in order to slow my life down so I can pay attention but more about, popping it into neutral and coasting. I have also found that the universe is constantly putting mirrors in front of me, showing me the similarities in people I have judged or admired and giving me opportunity to connect and learn from them in a loving way. This gift is something I can both give and receive simultaneously. I am grateful to the people in my life who have shared their experiences, offered guidance and shared thier life lessons, during my transformation and I hope they will continue to accompany me along the way. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Namaste.

p.s.

Recommended reading for a shift like this.

The Power of Now / Ekhart Tolee

The Bhagavad Gita / Rancher Prime (or anyone with modern translation)

Also recommended

Move your body everyday

get 10 minutes of silence just concentrating on your breathing

Sing out loud!

Little Epiphanies and Miracles

2009-07-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

Miracles are set in motion as easy as a clock pendulum. If I only come from good intentions, the whole universe will begin to conspire on my behalf. I was reminded of these truths recently, by, of all people, my children. I am sure they do not realize all I have and continue to learn from them, and all though, I have been feeling as if they were blocking my way to self realization and fulfilling my dreams, I now know, they are more of a catalyst than an extinguisher to the flame I am trying to ignite.

As I raised my head from the pillow the other morning and was exploring why my body and heart where feeling so heavy. I realized it was Kennith still not speaking to me over a money issue and Leanna being mad at me as well for not supporting her decision to come home, that held my brows and heart so low. I pondered what to do about these situations. Should I write Kennith a note explaining why I would keep a check that was coming in the mail for him and ration it out? Do I find some proverbs or wise sayings to post around the house that might inspire him to understand? Do I call Leanna and, once again, recite a list of reasons she should stay put? There I go, swept away by the story... "How dare they?" "Why would they treat me so badly?" " Don't they understand I am only looking out for them?" "If it weren't for all these kids I would be living the life of my dreams." "If they could all just accept that I know what is best and do it my way, we could all stop wasting so much time and energy!"

Later I went online to a class I am taking called Awakening Joy (www.awakeningjoy.info). I was still fighting the feelings of resentment when I started doing an exercise/meditation, in which I I had to close my eyes and think of a story or situation that I believed, and that was bothering me or making me feel unhappy. I focused right in on my kids ungrateful and selfish ways. Then I was told to act as if that story was not true. Or maybe the exact opposite was true. So I focused on my children wanting the best for me and everyone else. I pictured them as generous, sympathetic, caring souls. I concentrated on what that would feel like. I let the joy flush through me all the way to my toes and fingertips. I felt great. I decided to act as if that where the case for the rest of the day. What a difference!

Within an hour, Kennith came to me and spoke, a few hours later he text me and apologized for the way he had treated me the day before, saying he was just mad at himself. Could me feeling "as if" make it true? In between my exchanges with Kennith, Leanna called just to talk, her tone was upbeat and we bonded over a blog she had started, saying, she had read mine and wanted to help herself others through writing as well. Even as I write this, I am thinking, "that was just too easy".

But the fact is, it is ALL that easy. As long as I am not trying from the outside to change others. But working from within to FEEL happy. The epiphany came as these little bits of joy added up at the end of the day and I said to myself "ah ha! You knew that already! It was never the kids that were blocking you from realizing your true self or your worldly dreams. It was you Joyous, all along." It all comes back to "no one is responsible for your happiness but you". If you get wrapped up in a story, that story has no choice but to become the truth. So I now truly believe that all my children want the best for me. They want all my dreams to come true and not only do they not stand in my way but they would do anything they could to help me accomplish those dreams.

Along this journey I picked up another bit of insight that I was never aware of, or too ashamed to admit. My children are ill prepared to do the things I expect of them or perhaps they are just smart enough to know, it would be easier not to, either way, this is the what I realized; All of them have been pampered by me so much, that now, when I want them to move on and become self sufficient, they are either too scared, too comfortable here, or have no idea how to make it all happen. So I claimed this situation, yesterday, as my doing. I own it, but they have to grow up anyway. My thinking was, after the way Steven left, I just want the rest of them to go on good terms. Remembering how great home was, so they would come and visit with smiles. But I went to far. I catered to them so much, they were spoiled. So now what? Well, I will have to repair the damage. Prepare them for flight, push them from nest.

I feel the urge to make a list for them of what I will and will not do as a parent of adult children out of the house. Here is what I think they need to know. I will help them find the most affordable housing and negotiate the lease terms but I will not pay the deposits or cosign on anything. I will bring over the occasional care package of food and hygiene necessities and will welcome them home to raid the fridge an do their laundry whenever they want. I will occasionally help them out with the light bill when they forgot it was due, but I will not pay their rent or give them a room if they are evicted because they were irresponsible. I will tutor on the fine art of budgeting their money and make recommendations on where to shop the cheapest for groceries. I will collect as many household appliances, furniture, towels, blankets, dishes, etc. as I can lay my hands on, but I will not replace them if they get lost, stolen or abused. I will keep their cell phone service on until the contract expires but I will not help pay or keep track of any court fees. I will transfer their car title and registration into their name and help them find a good price on insurance. Most of all, I will always, always believe in them. Even with the pampering these are intelligent, brave, and good hearted people who will do well in the world for themselves and others. These are my miracles.

Surrender

2009-07-20T04:29:00.000-07:00

It is 4:30am now, I have been awake for an hour. Decided, I might as well get up and write a little while the house is quite. I usually wait until something comes to mind that I just have to purge, bubbling up inside of me like steam from a tea pot. I am not feeling that way in the moment, however I do have something on my mind that keeps taking me back to something often said in yoga class. "Surrender". So this is the lesson under the magnifying glass today. Why is surrender so difficult? Why do I picture myself, moving in slow motion atop a grass covered hilltop, with the sun bouncing off the top of my head, dragging a white fabric from behind my back, about to raise it over my head and smile, just as bullets snap through my shirt and blood splashes from my chest as I fall?

Why is that my image of surrender? Putting my guard down has never served me well. Through my first marriage it was just an invitation to get jabbed. After that it was my oldest sons retaliation for his childhood that kept me sticking and moving. And now? Will I ever feel safe enough to open my heart? When we do postures in yoga that require me to put my shoulders back why does it feel as if the bones have been fused forward? I look around the room and in the mirror and think "why wont my shoulders go back like that?" The instructor has come over and tried to adjust my posture and is struck by the unwillingness of my body to allow this type of openess. What am I protecting myself from? Who is out to get me?I also have a difficult time allowing others to put thier gaurd down, "be careful", "you better watch that guy", "what are they up to?" Then I put my dukes up for them. I hover over my husband and children like a gaurdian angel wearing boxing gloves.

Why can I not just allow things to happen? The truth is I am not sure what surrender really means. Is it letting others have thier way? Not keeping the peace, and allowing conflict in my home? Is it sitting still and waiting? Oh wait, something just came to me! Surrender is just, doing the best you can from where you are with what you have. Not worrying about what is next or what might happen. Not getting lost in the possible story.

So then today when my husband told me that he had told Leanna she could come back home after she miscarried her baby just 2 days ago, which was the sadest most wonderful blessing we could have wished for, without discussing it with me first. Why did I immediatly raise my fist? Who was I defending? I felt I was looking out for everyone including her. But James took it as me pushing her out. I can see why he feels that way. I believe he operates out of a great deal of guilt when it comes to Leanna. Why else would he allow her to continue to disrespect him, our home, her mother, her brothers and sister? I dont blame him I did the same thing with Steven. I wanted to believe his lies. I remember James telling me the hardest part about dealing with Steven was watching him fool me again and again. Getting my hopes up and then smashing them to the ground. This is what I see Leanna doing to James now. She is aware of my defense tactics and I am nothing but an annoyance to her, in her way. Blocking the road to totally dominating James mind, body and soul.

During this heated argument I kept being told by my inner self "surrender". So does that mean getting out of Leannas way, letting her run her game on James and watching him hurt? Does it mean saying, "sure, come on home, I believe you just want to make ammends here." And then stop myself from running interference all day while she and the boys attack each other and Debra stands by watching? What about when she breaks all the promises that she made to James in order to get back here ASAP? Do I cover for her like I used to, to spare him? What about the fact that I have all her student aid in place where she is, that she has an appt. with a counselor today to pick her classes? So now she comes back here and we start the whole thing over? I know she is not being honest about why she is coming here, I was just as dumb as her at that age, I understand what is driving her, but it is destructive to everything I love including Leanna. And, like every mother, I want better for my children than I had. I can see the possible outcome being much worse than if she stayed put for at least a while longer. I want to suggest to James that we make a deal with her, just complete one semester there, and then come home. Or, wait until "the boy" goes away to boot camp in a month. Or get all set up via the internet and phone for the college here and then come just before school starts. If she really just "wants to make things right" she should be okay with any of these options. This way, she will have sometime to heal her mind, and her body, letting her hormones balance back out, before she comes back to be just blocks from the boy who moved on the day after she miscarried and is now dating someone else.

Then there is the resentment I will feel when James takes off work to give her a ride, when he hasnt been able to have lunch with me for years? Am I jealous? Yes, I think so. Its a natural reaction when someone tries to, and is allowed to, come between you and the person you have vowed to be with for life. Surrender in this case looks to me like leaving, letting her have him all to herself. They are both guilty of keeping me to the side, only letting me in when they need something. I have no authority or control. I am an outsider in my own home. I am sure this is the way James felt when Steven was here, and I am not claiming I handled him any better. I would like to think, however, that it was not a waste of time and that James and I both learned something from what we went through.

So this is the story I am lost in at the moment. I hear the words "you do not have to figure it out, just surrender" but still I hang onto the ropes in my corner.

ashtanga "eight limbs" yamas "abstinences" satya "truthfulness"

2009-07-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

As I become aware of my journey. Looking from the outside inward, I realize many things. These eight limbs of ashtanga are leading me like a duckling trailing his mother. Many twist and turns but on a deliberate path. I feel sometimes as though I am a passenger on my own legs. Or even an unwilling participate in a game of which I do not understand the object. The word fear keeps coming up again and again. What am I afraid of? What is blocking me from true happiness? What is obstructing my view of the light at the end of this tunnel?

Many shadows seem to lurk but as I read through the 8 limbs "Yoga Sutras" one gets stuck in my throat. Satya "truthfulness". Sounds simple enough, don't lie, always tell the truth no matter the circumstance. This is a simple idea because it is outside of me. It is what I do to others. It is how I treat the world. But what about myself? Am I being honest with me? The answer is no. I mean NO! Loud and clear, I need to hear that. I have been saying for too many years, "I forgive David". "He was doing the best he could." "I am past it, no longer afraid of him." But as truthfulness comes bubbling up inside of me like stinging heartburn, my attention is brought to the fact that my actions say otherwise.

For example social networking. I have refused to place photos on my face book and lashed out at friends or family for posting any of me or my children for FEAR that he would see them. I have not promoted myself or bragged about my children on the Internet because "he will find me." Even this blog and my twitter use aliases. Why? Its not as if he doesn't know where I work, maybe even where I live since I was in a newspaper article about my neighborhood. What can he do or say that he hasn't already? Perhaps it is not him that I fear, it is I.

I told a Friend of mine today, you never dealt with the divorce. You are still holding a grudge about something that happened a long time ago. Well hello! Pot this is kettle and you are black!!! How do you deal with something you have tried to forget for so long? The guilt, shame, grief, why would you want to? Just bury it, its dead. Even as I am writing this, I realize it is the guilt that rules me. I feel responsible for the end of the marriage and I am about to put on this blog something I have never admitted out loud but something that has been eating at me for more than 20 years. I do this in hopes that it will heal me and get me one step closer to my spiritual awakening.

First of all, let me address the shame that still exist. I am ashamed that I labeled myself as a battered wife for so many years. I think it was the title of this blog that made me realize I was still holding onto that title like some kind of metal, a badge of honor. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely battered. That was never exaggerated, maybe was even down played. I have the scars and police reports to prove it. I was knocked unconscious more than I can recall and my last MRI shows "mini strokes" from those nights. I remember the first time he hit me, I was 23 years old, we were on our way home with Steven, only, maybe 6 months old on my lap. David wanted a beer, he had no money and wanted me to run into 7/11 and buy him a 40. I refused, I told him, he didn't need it. He pulled up at the store and demanded I get out and do as he said. Once again, I refused. He yanked the rosary beads from the review mirror and they exploded like a holy bomb against the windshield. It startled Steven so I stepped out of the car. I am now standing in the parking lot with Steven on my hip, legs shaking, thinking, "we are in public, I will just walk away, what can he do?" He came around the car and the next thing I knew, Steven was crying as 2 men were helping me up off the hot asphalt asking me if I was okay and did I need a ride? My jaw was throbbing. I knew right away what happened and called a friend for a ride to mt car. I never looked in the mirror until after I snuck in and got the keys off the nightstand next to Davids past out sweaty drunk ass. I glanced up at a stop light on the way to my moms and saw, as if they had been dabbed on with many shades of water colors, 4 blue knuckle marks on the left side of my jaw. So then what? I have no idea. I am sure it was the beginning of many long winded apologizes and flowers and "I hate myself, will never do it again" make ups. The shame is not because the label is not true, the shame is because, I became comfortable in that label. It was a way of staying stuck, almost as if I never fully left that marriage. The shame is an awakening for me now. Once again my own advice to others haunts me, "the best revenge is living well" and "don't let your past ruin your present, nothing bad is happening to you in this moment." "don't get lost in the story."

What about the guilt? Why do I feel responsible for the break up? Straight to the point. When we were 18 years old and had been dating about 2 months, David slept with one of my good friends. I was mad, and got vengeance by sleeping with his. He didn't find out until four years later. Not only did I betray him but I punished him for what I had against him all those years. I think I may have ruined him. I can ease my guilt by saying, "okay really? He tried to protect his mother from his drunk abusive father for the first few years of his life, then witnessed his father shoot his step father 5 times in the dick, at the front door when he was about 8 years old. He watched as his mother pickle herself in alcohol to ease the pain of her daughter being molested and David being tied up and beaten by her 2nd husband, he stood by while his father went into rehab for heroin after being released from prison, he worked hard from the age of 14 to help his mom make the rent, only to have her marry bums over and over, he listened as his father tore him limb from limb after he found Jesus and told David his head was full of sores, he cleaned up the blood soaked carpet from his brothers suicide by 22, he held his mom as she sobbed after finding her 4th husband hanging from his belt in the bathroom, but I am the reason he is a mess?" Yes, at some level, I do still believe I could have saved him. If I could have stayed pure. Gave him a reason to have faith in the human race. Something to hold onto. A chance to feel love without pain. I could tell myself, and I do, "you were 18 years old, fresh out of high school, you were not his wife and did not intend to become so." As a matter of fact he asked me to marry him after he found out about my indiscretion and I married him after he had hit me more than once..... What at pair. I was the best wife anyone could have, I was faithful, attentive, loving, cooked, cleaned, worked, took care of him and the kids. But the damage was done, whether it was his childhood or what I had done, or both, I will never know, but he just couldn't stop the abuse. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, cheating, rape, beatings (physical and verbal). I have been asked so many times, "why did you stay so many years" My standard answer is "I was living on hope". That is true but the hope people think I mean is, I was hoping he would stop the abuse. The truth is, I was hoping he would forgive me. That I would take enough pain and punishment, to satifiy him, that my sentence was not "life". Yet here I am 27 years later, still behind these bars of guilt. I think it is time I unlock the door of my own prison. I forgive myself. It set my soul free, free to love again, free to nurture myself, free to believe I deserve to be loved.

2009-07-15T07:18:00.001-07:00

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Dreams and "Dreams"

2009-07-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

I have a dream of moving out of this big house, buying a loft near the strip as soon as we are down to just one child and then renting it out when we retire in 5 years when I am 50, selling our business here and moving to Maui where I open my own yoga studio, James takes underwater pics for tourist and Debra learns how to surf, seems easy enough to accomplish. However I think my "dreams" tell me I am getting in my own way of making that happen.

Even though, I get it, "thoughts become things" I cannot help but be distracted by the possible obstacles between me and this dream. Leanna is 18 and pregnant, Kennith is floundering between boy and man since he graduated from high school last month, Christopher may or may not be clinically depressed. Steven is still unemployed and fighting to stay sober in AZ. Our business is hanging on by a thread. Our bills are piling up. The economy, the economy, the economy! I know better than to let these thing distract me.

Of course some days are better than others, but yesterday was a rough one. I moved through the day like a robot or a zombie, taking care of the daily needs of my family and nothing more. I kept pushing against the fear and resisted going back to bed every time I walked past the cool sheets of my fluff white comforter. I contacted my yogi and ask for guidance. She made a few suggestions and will explore things further with me today during my training.

I have a feeling this is some kind of threshold I need to cross in order to continue on my path of self exploration. I must admit to myself that I feel the urge to turn around and run from it. I am scared. My thoughts are... I could just be like everyone else. Living in the physical world ignorant to the power and possibility within me. Or maybe I could just go back to the books about positive thinking and stop trying to see the bigger picture that includes mind, body and spirit. Just get back to collecting "stuff". Maybe ignorance is bliss.

I did realize something yesterday though. I was more of an observer, than the victim. In the past these feelings would have slammed me onto the bed and held me there pushing down on my chest forcing involuntary tears from my blood shot eyes like vomit for days on end. But this time, I could see it from a different angle, I was not angry or disappointed with myself, I gave myself a break, a chance to work on a remedy.

My sleep was long and restless, dreaming what I thought was nonsense. I looked up my dreams and found that, once again, I am my own worse enemy, that I need to allow this growth and STOP THE DOUBT AND FEAR, here are dreams translated:

Big fly - something or someone is being a nuisance, distraction or irritant. You are accessing your acute awareness and survival skills.

tiny pink spiders - tangled in a belief system as you try to meet your survival needs. (pink - innocence, open heart and youthful femininity)

straight pins - dealing with identifying your sharp edges and self criticism

climbing a hill - realizing that the challenge will make you stronger smarter and more resourceful

garden hose - your life force is in full expression and it is important to channel the energy, creativity and sexuality in a direction that uplifts and energizes you.

raging muddy water - feminine side, emotions and creativity are in full flow

jealously - a catalyst for you to move forward, onward and upward.

old house - symbolizes how you see yourself

little girl - the need to integrate feelings of fun, joy and unlimited creativity into your everyday serious adult life.

daughter - yearning for guidance and insight regarding your actual daughter.

faith coupled with action

2009-07-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

I move through my life like a bird, darting through forest, landing on branches without stopping to plan each move, having faith that a way will be made. My dreams will be realized. Where ever I am, whatever I am doing, things are exactly as they should be. It has taken me a long time to realize the universe is a friendly place and it is on my side. All I have to do is accept that.

I face fears daily and forge through the challenges of self doubt. I drive across town to train to become a yoga instructor, into a class with women 20 years my junior. I step on the pedals with shaking legs thinking "I could just turn around, go home and take a nap" what 45 year old does this? Why am I putting myself through this? But I keep driving, because I know, "no risk, no reward".

The reward I am hoping for is to share what I learn about the connection of mind, body and spirit with the universe. How we are all connected. That "god" or "cosmic energy" or "prana" lies within all of us. I hope to help others realize that religious text should be taken as philosophy not literature. That we are all spiritual beings having a human experience, not the other way around. The biggest reward will be the change I make in myself. A new me, no longer battling depression or anxiety. No more self doubt. Letting "love be my religion". I will stop trying to swim up stream, because I will finally accept that everything I could ever want is along the banks of the river on which I am already floating.

Oh, I have so much to learn. I do not want to preach. How can I? I still have my own demons to fight. Still smoking a few cigarettes a day, still taking an occasional zanax to quite my mind. These are things I know are contrary to everything I am trying to teach and learn. But I keep doing them. Is my will to stay the same, stronger than my will to change?